I have several unrelated thoughts that I'd like to share tonight. My pictures have no real connection with my thoughts. The first deals with my photographs. As I look through my blog thus far, I am pleased with my ability to document the days, but as I look through the photos, there are only a few that actually stand out as good. I think this is the result of not having enough time and being worn out. Beyond finding happiness in each day, I also wanted to improve my photography. I do not feel that this is happening yet. As grad school finishes up (2 weeks!), I hope to seek growth with my photography. I love it so much, and I want to be the best that I can. In the past year I have realized that this love will probably never materialize into a career or big money-maker, but it is my favorite hobby and I want to be really good at it.
The second thought that excites me is the fact that my trip is less than a month away now. It is funny how so much of the time seems to go so slow, but as the trip approaches, it seems to come so fast. Next week will be March; how exciting! If my blog ends on March 23, it means that I have decided not to come back.
The final thought of the night is about the pursuit of happiness. I forget sometimes that I am not in complete control of my destiny. I remember learning about the different theories in my humanities class in high school. We discussed naturalism, existentialism, and other thoughts on life and fate. I remember reading McTeague and being so frustrated because it focuses on nothing being in our power and everything just being our fate. Personally, I believe we are in control, but only up to a certain point. I can choose to drive my car to work, but another car may hit me and end my life. I didn't choose to die, but something out of my power decided for me.
This is why I have such a strong belief in things "happening for a reason." Hindsight seems to help validate this claim, but the truth is not always clear in the moment. I keep thinking about this in terms of future plans. I can completely force something to happen, but if it does not happen the right way, the outcome will be different. I have such great support from my aunts and my roommate with my dream to move, but in reality, it is a dream because of the opportunities I will have. If it doesn't happen the right way, then it will not be a great experience like I envision. If I move no matter what, then something may be sacrificed because of the time I lose with several jobs, the lack of money, etc. It has to happen the right way. Psychologically, I also feel that this will be my assurance that I made the right choice.
So until I can be sure of my destiny, I continue trying my best.